yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
