Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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