I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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