I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
