I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
