she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
