at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
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I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
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I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize