The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
