I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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