I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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