I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
