I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
