i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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