Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
found the other keg... it's in the tree
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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