that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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