goodnight i made you a song goodbye
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
