I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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