I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
