At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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