When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
