I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
