I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
