You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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