the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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