i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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