I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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