I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
