beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
