Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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