Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
