i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just had sex on a roof
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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