I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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