A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
