So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
