can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
