You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Fuck appropriateness.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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