I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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