First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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