Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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