bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
