I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
