Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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