the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
