When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
