Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
