The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I need water and some morals