my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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