i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.