She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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