I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
