I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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