I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
