if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
