I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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