Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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